Don’t let yourself be dragged into an argument or an ugly scene. Do not defend yourself against accusations and insults. That would be taking them seriously. Say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. " If you are talking to someone who likes to get a rise out of you and then say that you’re too sensitive, don’t expose your vulnerability by getting upset or appealing to their sympathy. If you are being bullied by a schoolmate, dismiss them. Show that you aren’t interested in their opinion. You might smile and say, “Yeah, I’m not here for that. " When you are being insulted, mocked, yelled at, threatened, or otherwise verbally abused, take a deep breath. Speak in a calm, even voice. Do not yell or mutter. Remind yourself that nobody has the right to put you down, and that what is happening is not something you deserve.
If they continue to harass you, set a consequence. Say, “I will talk to you about this when we can both act calmly; however, I will not stay here and be abused. If you keep speaking to me in that tone, I will leave the house. " Make sure to follow through on whatever consequence you set. If you said you will leave the house, leave the house.
Return only if it is safe. Leaving your house is a good strategy if you have a partner or other family member who gets angry and needs to calm down. In these cases, leave for an hour or two and come back when you feel ready. However, if the abuser is more inclined to stay angry, to escalate into violence, or to seek some sort of revenge, stay away. If there are children or other vulnerable people in the house, take them with you. If you are being randomly verbally abused by someone you don’t know, either stay silent or say, “I would appreciate that you not speak to me in that tone of voice,” and move on to a place of safety as soon as you can.
Never stay silent about verbal abuse. Let others know what you are going through. Abuse can escalate, and verbal abuse can get in your head. Friends, family, and others can help. If you or someone you know has been experiencing verbal abuse for a prolonged period, find a good therapist as soon as possible.
Recognize the symptoms of agitation. The person may speak quickly, and may raise her or his voice or speak in a high pitch. Agitation brings on certain kinds of verbal abuse. These may include cursing, threatening, insulting, demanding, and making illogical statements. Aggressive posture, pacing, shaking, gesturing erratically or making fists are other signs of agitation.
Move slowly and deliberately. [2] X Research source Relax your hands and do not cross your arms. Stand at an angle from the agitated person. Standing or approaching an agitated person at an angle is less likely to appear threatening. Do not turn your back or approach the agitated person from behind. Stand with more physical distance than you normally would. Getting close to someone who is agitated may cause them to panic and escalate into violence. If you notice someone showing signs of increased agitation, step to the side and continue talking to them.
Take a deep breath if you notice your voice wavering or if you are speaking too quickly or loudly. If you are afraid, you may speak too quietly. Take a deep breath and project your voice, speaking from your diaphragm.
Repeat what the person is saying to reassure them that you are listening. If they say “I can’t get any help and you’re not helping! “say,” I hear that I haven’t given you the help you need,” then ask them how you can better help them. “ Affirm what they are saying with nods and brief verbal responses, like “I hear you,” “Okay,” “I see. "
Do not defend yourself or others from insults or accusations: they are meant to drag you into an argument, which will not help anyone. Answer real questions. If someone asks, “Who the &#@ are you,” respond with your name and title. Ignore fake questions. To a comment like, “Why are you such a &#@?” you might respond “I’m sorry you feel that way. " Ask open-ended questions to get more information and to encourage the agitated person to slow down and think rationally.
Offer options. Say, “Would you like to step into the hallway and continue our discussion in a quieter tone of voice, or would you like to come back again tomorrow and discuss this then?” Offer empathy for feelings, but not for abusive behavior. Say, “I am very sorry that we failed to help you with this, and you have every right to feel angry. You do not have a right to make threatening remarks, however. "
Withholding. If a loved one does not share feelings, thoughts, or any intimate information with you, especially when you solicit it, she is withholding. Blocking or diverting. This is a form of withholding in which the abuser chooses all the topics of conversation. They may tell you that you are talking too much or complaining too much. Countering. Countering is unnecessary argumentation. This is when someone tries to dismiss or “disprove” your feelings, thoughts, and opinions on a regular basis. Discounting. If you are told you are too sensitive, too dramatic, “making a big deal out of nothing,” too serious, or too immature, you are being discounted. Your judgment and self-preservation are being attacked. Abusive joking. If someone makes jokes that upset you or hurt your feelings, they are being abusive by joking. If you express your feelings and they say, “It was just a joke,” they are using a form of discounting. Blaming and accusing. If someone blames you for things that are not your fault, accuses you of doing things you did not do, this is an abusive behavior. Many abusers can’t stand taking responsibility for their own failures, and will take their anger out on you. Judging and criticizing. If someone constantly puts you down by criticizing you or putting a negative spin on your actions, she is being abusive. These statements tend to start with “You,” as in, “You’re getting fat,” or, “The reason you don’t have any friends is you have nothing to say in conversations. " Trivializing. An abuser will attempt to diminish you by making light of your work, your pleasures, and your choices. If you are proud of something and someone responds with “Isn’t that pretty standard?” they are trivializing. Undermining. If someone takes issue with everything you say, questions your authority constantly, and never takes your word, they are undermining you. Threatening. Threats of violence to you are abuse, even if they are never followed through on. Someone threatening to hurt themself “because of you” is a common form of abuse designed to control you. Threats without violence are also common, such as a someone saying that you will be broadly judged if you don’t follow her advice. Name-calling. Someone who insults you by calling you names, expletives, and words that imply you are oversensitive is abusing you. Names like “Idiot,” “Crazy,” “Ugly,” or statements like “You’re acting like the victim,” or, “You think you’re so special,” are verbal abuse. Forgetting. If someone consistently forgets things that are important to you, this is a form of abuse, as they should have made the effort to remember. Giving orders. If someone tells you to do things, demands anything, or otherwise bosses you, this is verbal abuse. Denial. If your abuser denies their abuse and rationalizes it instead of listening to you and caring about the effect she has on you, she is engaging in denial. Anger. This kind of abuse involves yelling, screaming, getting suddenly agitated, or using physical force.
If a potentially abusive family member is willing, go to therapy together. A family member who is willing to go to therapy with you may be able to break out of abusive patterns. If your partner offers to enroll in anger management, ask for therapy instead. Anger management does not help with abuse. [8] X Research source
If you think you know a child who is being verbally abused, you can call (800) 422-445 for advice. If you are certain a child is being verbally abused, report the abuser to your local Child Protective Services (CPS).
If you think you might want to leave eventually, start saving money and alert some trusted friends. If you have nowhere to go, or if you just need help, call a local domestic abuse program. They might be able to locate a shelter for you where you can stay until you relocate away from the abuser. Call the domestic abuse hotline for advice on where to go and how to do it. (1−800−799−7233), or visit their website: http://www. thehotline. org/
