It’s easy for others to spot when someone is down on their luck and lacking in self-confidence – which makes them an easy target. If you’re confident, people will be less likely to tease you or identify you as weak. Confidence has to come from within, so do whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself. Learn a new skill, lose some weight, and repeat positive affirmations daily – nothing will change overnight, but your confidence will grow in time. [2] X Expert Source Guy ReichardExecutive Life Coach Expert Interview. 19 March 2020.
Motivate yourself by setting an ambitious but achievable goal over the next few weeks, months or years of your life. [4] X Research source It could be anything – a promotion at work, a top grade in your next college paper, or running a half-marathon – as long as it’s something that gives you a sense of self-worth. When you finally achieve your goals, remember to take a moment to look back on how far you’ve come and appreciate how much you have achieved. Make a vow that you will never let yourself regress into the unfulfilled person you once were.
Remember that attitude is infectious. If you’re bubbly, happy, and bright about things, you’ll encourage those around you to feel good about themselves and the world around them. If you’re morose, pessimistic, and down about everything, you’ll soon infect others with the same negativity. We naturally prefer to be hanging around the person who makes us feel good about ourselves, and we’re more inclined to listen and respond positively to someone who has a good attitude. By the same token, we’re more likely to dismiss a person who tries to play the shrinking violet, the victim, or the permanently oppressed. Make the choice to feel and have a positive attitude and you’re on your way to standing up for yourself.
Choose an activity that you enjoy doing – whether it’s weight training, running, dancing or rock climbing – and throw yourself into it. Not only will you look and feel better physically, but you will also have a lot of fun and become a more interesting and fulfilled person in the process! You should also consider starting a martial arts or self-defense class. The inner discipline taught will improve your confidence a great deal and the moves you’ll learn to defend yourself will double your confidence and allow you to stand up for yourself should you ever find yourself in a physical fight.
Being assertive enables you to express your wants, needs, and preferences in a way that shows you’re prepared to stand up for yourself while still respecting the other person. It involves being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings while trying to work towards a mutually satisfying solution. When asserting your feelings and opinions, it’s recommended that you use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements, as this is less accusatory and will prevent the other person from going on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “you never ask for my opinion”, say something like “I feel ignored when you make decisions without me”. Assertiveness is, for the main part, a learned skill, so don’t feel bad if it doesn’t come naturally. There are many excellent books and courses on assertiveness training available. You might like to start by reading the classic When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J Smith, and Your perfect right: A Guide to Assertive Living, by Robert E. Alberti. See also How to be assertive and Communicate in an Assertive Manner.
For example, if your boss keeps asking you to work late when your co-worker has no problem skipping out the door at 6 pm, it can be very difficult to say no. But if this extra workload is putting your personal life and relationships under pressure, you need to put your foot down. Don’t put someone else’s needs above your own – learn to say no when necessary. Learning to say no will help you to stand up for yourself with friends as well as people who intimidate you. Think about that friend who keeps borrowing money but never pays it back; assertiveness will enable you to ask for that money back and to say no next time, all while maintaining your friendship. People may be taken aback at first, but they will learn to accept your new-found determination and may even come to respect it.
Using open body language shows people that you are self-assured, confident and not to be messed with. Open body language includes leaning forward, making eye contact, standing with your hands on your hips and feet apart, using slow and deliberate gestures, facing your heart to people when you meet them and uncrossing your arms or legs. Closed body language, on the other hand, sends negative signals and could leave you open to attack. Closed body language includes crossing your arms, clenching your hands, using fast and evasive gestures, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, and turning your body sideways. [10] X Research source
Sometimes you may fail to stand up for yourself simply because you cannot articulate what needs to be said at the right moment. Take the time to write out good responses to difficult situations and practice them with a friend using a timer. Have your friend pretend to be a difficult or intimidating person who showers you with put-downs. Put on the timer for about 2 minutes and respond away! Keep doing this until you get the hang of it. You can also practice standing up for yourself in small, everyday situations. For example, rather than quietly accepting the wrong coffee when the barista gets your order wrong, learn to say “excuse me, I asked for non-fat milk. Could you please make me another?” Soon you’ll have the confidence to tackle bigger, more important issues!
If another person is bringing you down with their negativity, don’t hang around them; start to politely but firmly distance yourself. You don’t owe difficult people any explanation as to why you’re spending less time around them. Avoid bullies, negative Nellies, and sarcastic Sams. You don’t gain anything from being in their presence and you’re not doing them any favors by putting up with their nonsense or rewarding them for bad behavior. Remember – keeping away from sources of discomfort and trouble is not running away; it is an important part of learning to stand up for yourself because it demonstrates that you won’t let nonsense and nastiness impact your life.
Don’t just stand there smoldering; it’s far better to speak your mind. Even if the end result doesn’t change, you’ve demonstrated to yourself and others that you won’t stand for disrespect. More often than not, a polite but firm clarification of the disrespectful comment or behavior will be enough to draw attention to the need for it to change, especially where there is an audience. For example: “Excuse me but I was next in line and I’m in just as much of a hurry as the person who pushed in. " Avoid whispering, mumbling, or speaking too quickly. The tone of your voice and the speed of your delivery are an important part of clarifying what you want and how confident you’re feeling. Naturally, the manner in which you defend yourself will depend on the situation and if someone is volatile, always put your safety first.
Acting aggressively – verbally or otherwise – is like acting out your pain in full technicolor. It’s not a constructive way to get what you want and will simply turn people against you. You are far more likely to achieve a positive result if you approach any issues as calmly and objectively as possible. You can still stand your ground and be firm and assertive without having to raise your voice or get angry. [15] X Research source
Passive aggressive responses are ones in which you begrudgingly do things against your will and end up filled with resentment and anger, hating people who “make” you feel this way, feeling depressed and helpless. This negatively affects your relationships and can take a huge toll on your physical and emotional health. Most of all, a passive-aggressive approach to life will never enable you to stand up for yourself.
If someone claims you’re bossy, rather than letting it cause you to shrink some more, take this as evidence that you’re a natural leader, able to manage people and projects well, and a proactive change agent. If someone claims you’re shy, take it as a compliment that means you’re not ready to jump on the latest bandwagon but like to reflect over the consequences first and then make up your mind. If someone says you’re too sensitive or emotional, let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let everyone see it. Or maybe someone suggested you’re not career-minded enough – for you, that confirms you’re living a stress-free life that will help you to live longer.
Rather than seeing this as a defeat in your attempt to learn to stand up for yourself, see it for what it is – a day or so where things went temporarily off-track before you feel better and bounce back. Some tricks to help the bounce-back process include: Fake it till you make it. Even if you don’t feel confident, act as if you do. Be consistent in your approach. People will grow to expect that the person you are now is a person who stands up for himself. Expect some people to find your more assertive stance challenging. It can take time to reshape the patterns you’ve formerly established with people who used to walk all over you. In some cases, you’ll find you no longer want to be a part of their lives; take it as it comes.
