Admit negative sentiments or feelings by saying, “I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable about this right now. ” Avoid statements that may sound as though you’re blaming the other person about the argument, such as, “You seem upset about this. ” When recognizing your own fault in allowing an argument to escalate, avoid all accusatory language by focusing on how you’re feeling.
Questions can be simple and straightforward, such as: “Why are you upset?” or “Do you understand why I am upset?” More generally, if it becomes clear that you are not on the same page, consider asking, “How are you seeing this situation?”
Be sure you understand the perspective or position of the other person. There may be more to what they’re saying than you’ve considered. Be clear and direct about your own position, and make sure you are clearly understood. Offer possibilities that consider both person’s contributions. Especially in regards to matters of opinion, understand that many minor arguments simply do not need to be resolved.
Make sure you both have the opportunity to clearly and calmly state what you feel needs to happen. Respectfully and quietly listen to the person you’re arguing with state their needs as well. Only after you each understand that the other needs can you talk flexibly about solutions that might give each of you enough of what is needed.
Allowing one another to speak will also help you both feel heard and will cause a less chance of you getting in trouble. [11] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 April 2021. Re-affirm that you are listening by saying things like “I get that,” or “I understand. ” After listening to someone’s response to a question, paraphrase what they said and repeat it back to them, to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Monitor how you’re feeling physically. If a knot develops in your stomach, you’re holding your breath, or your tear ducts are gearing up, check yourself to make sure you are not about to act based solely on emotion.
Try to keep a discussion that needs to happen on track, while limiting the extraneous material that may arise with heightened emotions. Don’t allow someone who may be looking for an ego-boost by dragging you into their own emotional turmoil the satisfaction of making you upset. Clearly and simply state that there is no need for insults or irrelevant points to be made. If something is said that needs to be addressed, save it for a different discussion once you both have calmed down.
Recognize that anger alone is not destructive – it’s the behavior that anger sometimes leads to. Be prepared to process anger and resist its physical and emotional effects. Don’t try to avoid or deny your anger. Attempting to quell your anger may lead you to boil over with emotion down the line. Watch your voice. A sure sign that anger might have permeated into your behavior is the volume of your voice. If you catch yourself shouting, know that it’s time to step back and address your emotions before worsening an argument.
Accept that you may not be able to solve the problem right away. Make specific plans to return to an unresolved discussion again, once you’ve both fully calmed down. [17] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
Start changing your own behavior immediately. Your partner will likely start acting differently as well. [19] X Expert Source Jennifer Butler, MSWLife Coach Expert Interview. 31 July 2020. Take care to use words and phrases that indicate your willingness to take part in a meaningful dialogue. Watch out for tendencies to withdraw, criticize, convey contempt, and get defensive – in either your own behavior or your partners’. Acknowledge any of these tendencies: Say something like “I want to make sure we both feel valued and heard” or, “We need to make sure neither of us are attacking or belittling one another. ”
Avoid harboring resentment or discomfort. If something upsets you, ask yourself why you’re upset. Decide whether it was just a specific thing, or indication of a larger issue that needs to be discussed with your partner. Acknowledge and address underlying issues to diminish the likelihood that insignificant annoyances – which are inevitable in all relationships – will lead to an argument. [21] X Research source
You may simply need more space to address your own needs – whether related to work, health, or anything else. Address issues that arise outside of your relationship quickly. Prioritizing damage control in your own life helps prevent the harmful effects of any external stressors from damaging your personal relationships.
Be honest with yourself about whether a relationship in which you are constantly arguing is bringing you happiness. If you or your partner question the relationship during arguments or repeatedly threaten to end a relationship, you may want to consider whether the relationship is headed for trouble. Neither emotional blackmail or uncertainty about a relationship are sustainable or healthy. An important, simple question to ask yourself: Does this relationship lead more to joy and support, or to frustration and pain?
Leave the house if your partner will not stop shouting or begins to break things. If you are physically abused by your partner, you need to file a police report. If you hope to continue a relationship that has been abusive, meet with a relationship therapist together. If your partner refuses to get help controlling their anger or continues to abuse you, remove them from your life.
