Spot negative thoughts and learn to reframe them. For example, you may have come to believe, “I don’t deserve happiness. ” Rephrase this positively by saying, “I deserve happiness and fulfilling relationships. ”[3] X Expert Source Wes PinkstonCertified Holistic Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 January 2022. Pay attention to how you talk about yourself. You may even want to ask friends and family members to point out when you are speaking negatively about yourself. This will help you to notice the negative self-talk and correct it when it happens. If you are facing a negative event or situation, try to see them as a way to learn and grow. Ask yourself why the situation is negative, what can be changed, and how you can begin taking steps in a different direction. [4] X Expert Source Leah MorrisLife Coach Expert Interview. 19 June 2020.
Make a list of good qualities, such as “helpful,” “compassionate,” “great listener,” and “intelligent. ” Pull out your list when you find yourself playing into negative, self-defeating thought patterns. [6] X Expert Source Wes PinkstonCertified Holistic Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 January 2022. Try to say out loud affirmations based on these qualities. Hearing the words and feeling them with your body may be even more effective. [7] X Expert Source Leah MorrisLife Coach Expert Interview. 19 June 2020. If you are having a hard time coming up with things to add to the list, then as friends and family members to help you. They may think of things that you would not have considered adding.
Self-compassion means recognizing when you are feeling negative and being gentle on yourself. Remind yourself that you are only human. Give yourself a hug or soft caress. Say soothing phrases like “There, there” or “You are in pain now. But, you’ll be okay. ”
Make sure to set achievable goals, and divide your path towards them into small goals and step-by-step actions. [9] X Expert Source Leah MorrisLife Coach Expert Interview. 19 June 2020. For example, if your goal is to run a 5k, then start a training program to help you get ready for it. If your goal is to earn a college degree, then fill out an application (or a few) for schools and programs that interest you.
You might work with a therapist individually and/or with others to stop scapegoating behaviors. [10] X Research source
Don’t be afraid to connect with and confide in these people when you’re struggling. [13] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. Identify the relationships in your life in which you feel valued, encouraged, and supported. Make an effort to enrich these relationships by showing appreciation for these people and dedicating more of your time to them. Make new friendships through support groups, professional organizations, or interest groups in your community. Lean towards people who appear emotionally healthy and don’t blame you for their problems. Keep in mind that it is possible that you do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. This may be something that you will need to work on and a therapist can help you to develop the ability to recognize healthy relationships.
Assess what exactly makes the relationship negative, and have an open conversation with the person. [15] X Expert Source Leah MorrisLife Coach Expert Interview. 19 June 2020. For instance, you might say to your business partner, “I will no longer tolerate being treated this way. If you want to continue having me as a partner, you will need to stop blaming me for the business failing. ”
You might say to your scapegoating sibling, “No, I will not pay for your court fees. I told you that I will not be held responsible for your financial troubles. ” Keep in mind that after changing your boundaries, people will likely test your boundaries. They may try hard to make you give in, but it is important to hold firm in your boundaries.
Estrangement is a painful reality, but it may be necessary to help yourself get unstuck from the role of scapegoat. If the scapegoating happens in your family, you might cut ties. If it’s happening at your job, you might try to switch departments or transfer to a new employer. Work with your therapist to decide the best route for handling family members, partners or close friends who insist on blaming you.
For instance, being the scapegoat may have caused you to experience anxiety, depression, self-doubt, relationship turmoil, and even addiction. [20] X Expert Source Wes PinkstonCertified Holistic Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 January 2022. Think about the true impact being the scapegoat has on your life by identifying who has used you as a scapegoat and why these people are important in your life and for your sense of self-worth. Be honest with yourself about the negative consequences. It may help to journal about it. Cry, if you need to. Or, lean on a supportive friend.
Consider what you may have been getting out of playing the role of a victim. For example, you might enjoy the attention, feelings of validation, sense of security, sympathy, and lowered expectations that come with playing the victim. Playing the victim also prevents you from having to take responsibility for your own actions in a situation. [22] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. Develop a new story of who you are that doesn’t involve being a victim. For instance, when something negative happens in your life, resist the temptation to connect it to people not failing to support you. This takes the control away from you and gives it to them. Instead look for some aspect of the problem in which you had control and brainstorm a solution from there. [23] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021. You may also turn your attention to things you feel grateful for and people you can help. This may help you to feel more empowered.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you aren’t holding others responsible for scapegoating, but letting go of the pain so you can move on. You can forgive yourself and others through rituals, such as by writing a letter. You can write a letter forgiving yourself and/or others for what you have done. Then read the letter out loud to yourself a few times and hang onto the letter to review whenever you need to remind yourself of the forgiveness. Light a candle and do several minutes of deep breathing. Bring to mind the pain you feel from the scapegoating. Picture the sensations and feelings you have attached to being the scapegoat (e. g. shame, anger, guilt, resentment, etc. ). Write down all the thoughts and feelings you have. Imagine the negativity falling away from you. Take several more deep breaths. Blow out the candle as a symbol of letting go of the negativity for good.
