Ask yourself: is your heart speeding up? Do you feel tense, anxious, or angry? Is your mind racing to come up with counter-arguments? Have you stopped listening to others? Look at your body language – what is it like? People who are feeling defensive often reflect that in their body language, crossing the arms, turning away, and closing off their body to others. Do you feel a strong urge to interrupt? Rest assured that one of the biggest giveaways that you’re being defensive is saying, “I am NOT being defensive!”
Inhale slowly to the count of five and exhale again to the count of five. Make sure to take a long, deep breath after your peers have stopped talking and you start. Give yourself space to breathe when you talk, as well. Slow down if you are talking too fast and racing through points.
Try counting to ten every time you have the urge to butt in. After ten seconds, there’s a good chance the conversation will have moved on and your rebuttal won’t be relevant. Increase the count to twenty or even thirty if you are still tempted. Catch yourself when you interrupt, as well. Stop speaking mid-sentence and apologize for your rudeness, in order to build up your discipline.
Say something like, “I’m really sorry Cindy. We need to have this talk, but right now is not a good time for me. Can we do this later in the afternoon?” Make sure to affirm the importance of the conversation while excusing yourself, i. e. “I know this is an important topic to you and I want to talk about it calmly. But right now I don’t feel so calm. Can we try later?
Relaxation techniques can help you slow your breathing as well as focus your attention. Try yoga, meditation, or tai chi, for example. You can also try more active ways to relax. Working out through walking, running, sports, or other forms of exercise can have similar stress-reducing effects.
Hold your tongue if you have the urge to say “but,” at least until you have heard the other person out. Instead of “but,” consider asking questions that force you to think about and express what others are saying to you, i. e. “Just so I understand, you think that my report’s analysis is incorrect?” or “Do I have this right, you want me to run the numbers again?”
You might say something along the lines of, “Edwin, can you give me an example of a time you thought I was condescending?” or “What is it specifically that makes you feel I’m not affectionate enough?” Ask to understand the criticism. Don’t nitpick. Asking a question just so you can poke holes in the answer is another form of defensiveness. [9] X Research source Getting specifics will also help you to decide whether to accept the feedback or not. Constructive criticism (e. g. “Your work has analytical weaknesses” or “You don’t express your emotions well”) will have valid reasons behind it, while destructive criticism (e. g. “Your work is trash” or “You’re an awful person”) will not.
Fight the urge to attack the person who’s criticizing you or their opinions, i. e. “Now you’re just being a jerk, Mom” or “Look who’s talking about being sarcastic!” Also resist the urge to point out flaws about someone else’s work or behavior, i. e. “Well I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Bill does the same thing!” or “What was wrong with my report? Alex’s report was awful!”
If you feel under attack, ask yourself why. Do you feel offended? Insecure? Do you fear the loss of face, your personal reputation, or your position?[11] X Research source Consider who is giving you the criticism. A family member or friend is less likely to attack you personally. In fact, they are probably trying to help you out of love and concern. Lastly, consider what others are trying to achieve with their feedback – is it to improve a product, good, or service at work? Do they want to improve relationships or communication at home? In these cases, the feedback isn’t just about you as a person.
Focus your attention on what the other person is saying. There is no need to say anything at first. In fact, it’s better to just let her talk. Don’t interrupt to give your opinion. At the same time, though, signal that you’re paying attention by nodding, acknowledging points, or with verbal cues like, “Yes” or “I see. ” Do these things without breaking into the flow of conversation.
You don’t ultimately need to accept the other person’s perspective. But you have to let go of your own opinions, value scale, and perspective to gain access to her mental state. Do not dismiss the other person’s perspective, for one thing. Insisting that the topic isn’t important or telling your peer to “Just get over it” is completely dismissive and defensive. Avoid comparisons, too. Your experiences may be totally different and miss or minimize what your peer is feeling. For instance, it’s best not to say something like “You know, I used to feel the same way when X happened…” Don’t try to offer solutions, either. The point of empathy isn’t necessarily to solve a problem, but to hear a person out.
When your peer has expressed a point, repeat the main point back to her in slightly different words, i. e. “If I understand you, you’re upset because you don’t feel we communicate well. ” This not only shows that you’re paying attention, but helps you to grasp the other person’s feelings, whatever they may be. Ask open-ended questions to draw out further details, too. “You’re pretty frustrated with me, no?” doesn’t add much. However, you can elicit more helpful conversation with a question like, “What is it about our relationship that frustrates you so much?”
Say something like, “What you’ve told me isn’t easy to hear, Jack, but I know it’s important to you and I will consider it” or “Thank you for telling me this, Aisha. I’ll think what you’ve said over carefully. ” You still don’t have to agree or accept your peer’s position. However, by being empathetic rather than defensive you can open the way for compromise and a solution.
