Making a list of reasons you detach can help you understand why you do it.
The silent treatment is considered to be emotional manipulation and can have damaging and long-lasting effects on a relationship. It is intended to inflict pain on a person and is often even seen as a form of abuse. [1] X Research source
Not only does this make your partner feel unworthy of your love, but it’s a quick way for them to look elsewhere to fulfill the physical aspects of your relationship that you aren’t providing. Not providing emotional support for your partner is also an easy way to make them feel unwanted and unappreciated, which can lead to a relationship’s demise. [2] X Research source
By not providing the emotional support they need, you will likely make them leave, which you may have prevented if you weren’t afraid of being left vulnerable. [4] X Research source
Oftentimes, the situations people experience as children affect their relationships. People often repeat what they were taught. For example, if your parents gave you the silent treatment when they were angry, you may do the same, and may not even realize you are doing it. [5] X Research source
Rather than spending time with your friends, you may hang out more with your partner. You may also think constantly about your partner, which opens you up to vulnerability. All of these behaviors can make you feel like your identity has been lost, which can be quite frightening. [6] X Research source
You can start the conversation by saying, “I really care about you and I realize that I may not be showing you the way you need to be shown. I struggle with putting my emotions out there, but I would like to make this work with you. ” Tell your partner that you want to try and work on ways you can do it together. [7] X Research source
Make a list of some of your biggest worries relating to expressing and sharing your emotions. Then, write out the worst possible outcome if you did express and share. Perhaps realizing that none of these outcomes are life-or-death or all that serious can help you feel more comfortable sharing. For instance, you might fear that telling your partner how much you really care about them puts you at a disadvantage. They can use your love against you, or worse, leave you in spite of your feelings. However, another possible outcome is that the relationship ends or something tragic happens to your partner and they never really knew your true feelings. Which alternative feels worse to you?
Leave a little note in your partner’s lunch or in a pocket for them to find. You don’t have to express your deepest feelings, but share something a bit more revealing than usual. You might simply write, “I can’t wait to see you this evening” when you usually don’t show much excitement regarding your partner’s presence. Wait and see how they react to this. More than likely, they will be pleased. And, so will you. Being vulnerable feels good. Once you complete a small step like this, move on to taking more and more acts of vulnerability until you slowly feel more comfortable being open and expressive.
It may be worth trying emotionally focused therapy, which addresses how couples interact with one another in a relationship. This therapy can increase emotional expression and discussion during times of conflict.
Somatic experiencing is one kind of treatment in which you focus on your bodily sensations to release any repressed emotion or tension relating to a traumatic experience. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an extremely effective form of psychotherapy geared towards identifying negative and unhelpful thought patterns and challenging these thoughts to build healthier, positive mindsets. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a behavioral technique that helps relieve the distress of traumatic experiences with rhythmic eye movements.
