Remember that cruel words can linger. The person may remember what you told them for a month, a year, or even the rest of their lives. They may spend a long time thinking about it or wondering why you would say this to them. They may feel rejected, hurt, isolated, or unloved. [1] X Research source Being judged by others may stunt someone’s emotional growth. [2] X Research source Even if you think you’re “just helping,” you’re actually harming them.
“That car cut me off! What a jerk!” can be replaced by “Maybe that person is late for something important, or is rushing someone to the hospital. While it stinks to be cut off, I recognize there may have been an important reason. " “He’s so fat and unhealthy” can be replaced by “He may have a medical condition, or be going through a rough time. Self care might be a struggle for him. I don’t know why he looks like this, but I know that he deserves kindness and respect. " “I can’t believe she cancelled again! What a flake!” can be replaced by “Maybe she’s going through a really rough time right now, or is overwhelmed by a busy schedule. I could ask her why she’s cancelled so often lately, and if she is okay. " “I can’t believe those parents allow their child to throw a tantrum like that” can be replaced by “Maybe that kid is going through a rough time. Maybe they didn’t sleep well, or they lost a pet yesterday, or they have a disability that makes public outings hard for them. It’s not necessarily the parents’ fault. "
“I’m not sure I follow your line of reasoning. Could you explain?” “I’ve noticed that you seem to hide from Tim when he comes over. Is there something that bothers you about his visits?”
“I wonder if that was the best approach. " “Are you sure? I’m a little worried that ____ could happen. " “Does a part of you regret that?” “Sounds like your impulses may have gotten the best of you. " “I think there may be a better way to handle this. Would you like to brainstorm together?”
“I’m really sorry that what I said hurt or upset you. It really wasn’t my intention. " “I shouldn’t have said that. That was very inappropriate. Sorry. " “I’m sorry I criticized your new haircut. I was feeling bad about myself, and I thought snide remarks might help me feel better. It was a bad idea. I’m really sorry. " “I’m sorry I told you that you were too sensitive, Brenda. That wasn’t kind or fair of me. In a way, I admire how open you are about your feelings, and I wish that I could do that too. But instead I felt threatened and lashed out. It was immature and wrong, and I’m sorry. "
Figure out why you feel this way. Work on helping yourself feel better.
“I” language helps you focus on communicating your feelings, without making accusations. For example, “I felt really hurt when you said that. " Nonviolent communication helps you format observations, needs, and requests. For example, “It’s late, and your music is loud. I’m having trouble sleeping. Would you please turn it down or wear headphones?”
Different things are right for different people. For example, maybe one woman will be happiest getting married, having kids, and being a stay-at-home mom while her sister will be happiest focusing on her career and getting a dog. Neither one is wrong. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean that it is bad. It might be perfectly good for someone else. In fact, if you learn about it, you may even find that you like it too! Of course, if someone is hurting someone else, that’s not okay. Other people’s right to be different doesn’t entitle them to be cruel towards other people.
Blaming a victim may only make them self-isolate more, which can harm their recovery process. Even if it was partially or fully their fault, don’t focus on blame. Instead, talk to them about how to handle the new situation and make things better. Showing an absence of judgment can help them stop judging themselves, and forgive themselves for their mistakes.
“I’m lazy” can turn into “I have been a little overwhelmed lately. I’m allowed to take time off for myself. " “I can’t believe I did that! I’m so stupid!” can turn into “Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This is embarrassing, but normal. " “I’m not as smart as Tina” can turn into “Yes, Tina is talented. I’m talented too, in my own way. I’m good at consoling people who are sad, drawing great pictures, and staying organized. I can appreciate Tina’s skills while still valuing my own skills. " “I’m a horrible person” can turn into “I have flaws, just like everyone else. I’ve hurt people in the past, and I’m working to become a better person now. "
Try complimenting people on things that they can control (e. g. hairstyle, work ethic, attitude, kindness, etc. ). These compliments can be especially effective. Make a game of it if you want. Try for a high score of most smiles created in a day.
What are your triggers? Try to notice when something sets you on edge. Try to intervene when you can feel yourself starting to lose self-control. Take a break. Do something that helps you re-balance and feel better.
Set boundaries and time limits, like “I can’t come this time” or “I have 15 minutes and then I need to go. "
