An exception would be statements such as “I agree,” or “I hear what you’re saying,” or “I would suggest approaching the issue this way. " Using appropriate “I” statements show you’re engaged and interested and recognize conversations are a two-way street. A great way to remember this is to keep a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself using any of these words, snap the rubber band. It may hurt a little, but it’s a proven psychological method. [2] X Research source Start practicing these steps when conversing with friends. Ask them to tell you if you’ve missed a step, as friends will always be the most supportive.
If your friend’s telling you about her new SUV and how it makes her feel safe, don’t immediately begin talking about how you prefer a more elegant vehicle and then go off about your Mercedes. Instead, try saying something like, “That’s interesting. I prefer the safety, style, and elegance of a sedan. Do you think SUV’s are safer than sedans?” This shows you’re engaged and curious about your friend’s opinion.
For instance, if your friend asks what kind of car you drive, you may say something like: “I drive a hybrid. It really saves on gas and there are other perks like rebates and no parking meter fees. Have you ever thought about owning one?” This response keeps your position brief and throws the question back to your friend. In doing so, you’ve made your friend the conversation’s gatekeeper.
Don’t approach it as if trying to convince the person that your idea or way of seeing/doing things is right. Instead, try to learn and grow from what he’s saying. Don’t manipulate the conversation to serve your own agenda and steamroll your counterpart. Consider this approach: you’re on the same team, trying to find an answer. Conversations like sports are more fun when you’re interacting with each other, rather than against each other. [5] X Research source
For example, when discussing dinner, you might say: “I prefer ordering tapas to entrees, because I get to taste a variety of the chef’s offerings. Which do you prefer?” (Then, let them respond. ) “That’s interesting; why do you think that is?” Obviously your responses would depend on what the person says, but you can continue to probe her reasoning, so that you get a thorough understanding of why she thinks, feels, or believes what she does.
Not only does this keep your conversation partner as the focal point, it allows him to delve more deeply into his knowledge/feelings/beliefs which, in turn, strengthen the connection. Be in the moment, listening, when he answers your question. Invariably, this will lead to a mindset allowing further questions, resulting in a very positive experience for all involved.
Try stating your opinion, such as “I see the two-party system as limiting our choices and narrowing the potential for alternative voices and points of view in our political system. " Then follow this with something like: “How do you see this working in our government?” Once you’ve put your unique point of view out there, use what you’ve learned in your conversation thus far to get your conversation partner to expound on his viewpoint. Then probe his point of view with questions geared to learn more. This is how to converse about ideas on a higher level.
Thank the person for their recommendation or advice. If your friend recommends a restaurant, tell the people you’re with, “X suggested we come here. Isn’t it great?” Always give credit for success when it’s warranted. If you did well on a project at work, you might say something like: “I have a great team working with me; they make it all happen. "
“Doesn’t Gina look stunning in that dress? Just incredible. And, it actually pales in comparison to her wit!” “I think Evelyn’s thoughts on the global warming issue are incredibly insightful and full of potential solutions. Why don’t we go join her? I think you’ll find her fascinating. "
Make a pact with yourself that you won’t speak unless your conversation partner puts the ball in your court. Then make another pact: you’ll put the ball right back to her and go back to listening.
You can also add a little something when you finish paraphrasing by using different phrases: which means that; so then; that would require; you would then; etc. , and then add your thoughts on what happens next. Non-verbal cues like nodding your head, smiling, and other facial/physical expressions let the other person know you’re engaged and have feelings about everything he’s saying. . [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
Closed questions. These are often “yes or no” questions. They’re answered in one way or the other, and the line of questioning stops there. Open-ended questions. These give your conversation partner ample room to expand on what she’s already been talking about and gives you a more well-rounded knowledge of her subject. These questions often start with phrases like: “How do you see. . . " or “What/why do you think. . . "
You (Personal): “Wow, it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself so openly and admit things like that. " You (General): “That is one of the most insightful analyses of the issue I’ve ever come across. "
